What am I doing? (Don't read when in high spirits!)

All the filthy words I vowed I would never spell

I am vexed and tired of being the decent gal

I have gotten far beyond rationality

I wanna swear a dozen people, I wanna pray

I truly wish I could believe in the God crap

I wish I could believe in destiny

I wish I could stop pretending that it was my fault

I want to stop trying to make things alright

I want to be the witch people always told I was

What would I not give to have a cold heart

I want to stop crying my heart out

I want to bleed it all out,

I want to go to someplace haunted

I want to have a bigger pain

Perhaps a tumor in my brain

If you think I should give it all up

What exactly do you mean?

If you ever find a way, please do let me know!

I am sick of worrying about things I cannot change

Please do take my heart and throw it somewhere far

I wish I could stop wishing all that

I wish I thought only about me, I wish I was selfish

I wish I could let people go like I believed I could

I wish I could stop being human

But I am a filthy coward that doesn’t dare

I am afraid no one would ever care

And it makes me hate myself even more.